"I'd make a rubbish drag queen!" I thought to myself as I stood in the shower looking down at the patchy mess I'd made of my leg hair with my beard trimmer, just moments before. To shave legs or not to shave legs is possibly the only subject among cyclists to spark a more lively debate than wheel size. I'm not going to dive too deeply into that but what I can say, as someone who hit puberty shortly after potty training is this: excessive leg hair + lots of sweat, mud, insects, spilled energy drinks (and that one awful time at west branch..... far far worse) results in something quite awful - how it feels, smells and visually = nasty. Due to this, I decided a few years ago that as I didn't really want to start shaving my legs, I'd just opt for a bit of pre-ride manscaping to reduce the Velcro qualities of my leg hair. I can't say I've become any more skilled at it over the years and the results could be described as a bit slap dash at best. Usually it provokes anything from an eye roll to a "what did you do?" from Stella, depending on how much of a rush I was in and how much battery life the trimmer had left. Anyway, let me back up a bit here and explain why I found myself back on the manscape train.
Having spent the last 18 months in Chicago with zero mountain bike scene and certainly no mountain bike family like KSD or 331 racing, I was very much looking forward to our return to Ohio. During a Facebook exchange, the KSD God Father Kenny C suggested that the timeline for our return just so happened to correlate perfectly with "The Twain of Pain", the first 331 race of the year, a team race with 2 riders riding alternating laps. I'll admit, I got a bit carried away and before you could say Kato Smells Danger, I had teamed up with Todd and entered my credit card details..... The comeback was on and excitement levels were high.
Between the time of signing up and manscaping, a lot had happened. I'd moved back to Ohio and consumed my weight in fast food and beer during the transition. I'd also purchased a new bike from the good people at Edge Outdoors. So to put it another way, my pre race sit rep was chubby, out of shape, with awesome bike. I spent the day before the race trying to remember how to prepare. Luckily, as I'm a huge geek, I found a pre-race check list that I'd put together a couple years back. (I've attached a copy incase anyone is interested. This is just my interpretation of the Hammer race nutrition bible book, it's not perfect but it's served me well and is a decent starting point). After several hours of mixing powders, counting gel packets and checking and double checking the contents of my pack, I was ready and off for an early night.
Having spent the last 18 months in Chicago with zero mountain bike scene and certainly no mountain bike family like KSD or 331 racing, I was very much looking forward to our return to Ohio. During a Facebook exchange, the KSD God Father Kenny C suggested that the timeline for our return just so happened to correlate perfectly with "The Twain of Pain", the first 331 race of the year, a team race with 2 riders riding alternating laps. I'll admit, I got a bit carried away and before you could say Kato Smells Danger, I had teamed up with Todd and entered my credit card details..... The comeback was on and excitement levels were high.
Between the time of signing up and manscaping, a lot had happened. I'd moved back to Ohio and consumed my weight in fast food and beer during the transition. I'd also purchased a new bike from the good people at Edge Outdoors. So to put it another way, my pre race sit rep was chubby, out of shape, with awesome bike. I spent the day before the race trying to remember how to prepare. Luckily, as I'm a huge geek, I found a pre-race check list that I'd put together a couple years back. (I've attached a copy incase anyone is interested. This is just my interpretation of the Hammer race nutrition bible book, it's not perfect but it's served me well and is a decent starting point). After several hours of mixing powders, counting gel packets and checking and double checking the contents of my pack, I was ready and off for an early night.
 Been awhile since a number plate has been strapped on! | |
Race day started early and my drive to Camp Tuscazoar was uneventful. When I arrived, I was greeted by a large, grumpy looking, bearded man wearing work overalls and clutching a pitch fork. I couldn't see any cars or bikes at this point so I wasn't 100% sure I was in the right place. I'll admit, I was a little scared. I'm not entirely sure what Hawg tying is, but from what I can figure out from movies, it's not fun and is often performed in these parts by men matching this guy's description to unsuspecting, lost strangers. I cautiously wound down my window to greet him, desperately hoping this wasn't my time to be inducted into the HTC (hawg tying club). I wasn't sure weather to use a cheerful English accent or my dodgy fake American accent I use to be better understood at the drive through. Which one would best speak the hidden message of my greeting: "Please don't Hawg tie me"? I opted for Happy Englishman and offered a hearty "Good morning old chap, turned out nice again." (Not sure why I said that, because it looked like it was about to rain, but hey, sometimes weird stuff comes out of my mouth). His grumpy face and emotionless eyes stared back at me and he took 3 slow chews of what I assume was gum, before looking back at my bike rack and down at my car wheels. Several awkward seconds passed before our eyes locked again..... and then he spoke........ "Y'all here for Flag day?" His death stare turned in to a friendly face and he burst out laughing and slapping his thigh "I got ya, didn't I?" I let out an awkward, nervous laugh. I'm not sure if he intended to scare me or was just acting goofy. Either way, hats of to you, that was good. After a brief exchange he guided me to the parking lot and I unloaded my gear.
After unloading, I caught up with the KSD crew. It was really great to see everyone. I've said it before, but we have something really special here. This is a great group / family and not only is it fun to be part of. but with the number of group rides and trail days that are organized and promoted by these guys, the NEO bike scene is a better place because of KSD.
The race start was drawing ever closer and most of my time was taken up with my usual pre race routine: checking that the zippers on my pack were closed and taking nervous wees. During this whole time, the famous Skirt of Shame flapped ominously in the wind for all to see. The Skirt of Shame came about during my time in Chicago, but I've excitedly followed its progress online. It has changed hands many times but typically it's worn by the loser of a predefined one-on-one challenge during a race; kind of a 2 person race within a race . I knew the rules had been switched up for today and it would be worn by a different rider for each lap, I just wasn't sure how they would be picked. It didn't take long before I was nominated as a potential Skirt of Shame wearer for the first lap, due to my lack of KSD jersey. When I confessed that none of them fit anymore, my fate was sealed and I was handed the skirt. To be honest,I saw no shame in wearing the skirt; I've always quite enjoyed looking like a prat, and I was honored to be accepted back into the KSD fold in such an awesome way. I slipped the skirt on with pride, posed for some pictures and headed for the start line.
After unloading, I caught up with the KSD crew. It was really great to see everyone. I've said it before, but we have something really special here. This is a great group / family and not only is it fun to be part of. but with the number of group rides and trail days that are organized and promoted by these guys, the NEO bike scene is a better place because of KSD.
The race start was drawing ever closer and most of my time was taken up with my usual pre race routine: checking that the zippers on my pack were closed and taking nervous wees. During this whole time, the famous Skirt of Shame flapped ominously in the wind for all to see. The Skirt of Shame came about during my time in Chicago, but I've excitedly followed its progress online. It has changed hands many times but typically it's worn by the loser of a predefined one-on-one challenge during a race; kind of a 2 person race within a race . I knew the rules had been switched up for today and it would be worn by a different rider for each lap, I just wasn't sure how they would be picked. It didn't take long before I was nominated as a potential Skirt of Shame wearer for the first lap, due to my lack of KSD jersey. When I confessed that none of them fit anymore, my fate was sealed and I was handed the skirt. To be honest,I saw no shame in wearing the skirt; I've always quite enjoyed looking like a prat, and I was honored to be accepted back into the KSD fold in such an awesome way. I slipped the skirt on with pride, posed for some pictures and headed for the start line.
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I'd decided ahead of time that my main goals for the race were to finish without injury, preferably not last, and to have fun, and I did just that. Looking up, I seem to have already written a lot, so for those still reading, I'll wrap this up as efficiently as I can; bear with me we are nearly there. The overall race took on a bit of a theme. It was sunny on my laps and unfortunately for Todd, it rained hard during most of his time on the bike. Despite the weather, Todd put in solid times and was a great teammate. He never gave up, even on the last boggy ascent of his final lap when he suffered form some extreme chain suck. And he never let my dreadful lap times get him down. My laps were a blast, the course is great fun, there are a lot of climbs but there's never a dull moment.
To summaries my race: lap 1 was all about the skirt, I had no end of people cheering me on, whistling at me or just yelling things like "Sweet skirt dude" or just "SKIRT OF SHAAAAAAME". I overtook a couple people and was overtaken by a few more, but I wasn't in last place by the end of the lap, so that means at least 5 people got beaten by a fat lad in a skirt. Lap 2 was all about keeping the pedals turning. My legs were done towards the end of the lap and the last climb was a real challenge. Lap 3 was all about getting chicked... again! This has happened to me for about my last 5 races, but this was different; it's like it was personal. I lost count in the end but at least 7 women flew by me, all of them going considerably faster than me and all of them were very polite about it which eased the pain a little. I finished my last lap with a huge sense of accomplishment and a big smile.
Once the race was over, 331's resident comedian, Rody, gave out the medals and awards in his usual awesome fashion, ruthlessly mocking everyone that stood on the podium and skillfully shooting down hecklers with sniper like precision. And that rounded up a great day on the bike with great people. It's good to be back.
Until next time, look after your selves.... And each other.
To summaries my race: lap 1 was all about the skirt, I had no end of people cheering me on, whistling at me or just yelling things like "Sweet skirt dude" or just "SKIRT OF SHAAAAAAME". I overtook a couple people and was overtaken by a few more, but I wasn't in last place by the end of the lap, so that means at least 5 people got beaten by a fat lad in a skirt. Lap 2 was all about keeping the pedals turning. My legs were done towards the end of the lap and the last climb was a real challenge. Lap 3 was all about getting chicked... again! This has happened to me for about my last 5 races, but this was different; it's like it was personal. I lost count in the end but at least 7 women flew by me, all of them going considerably faster than me and all of them were very polite about it which eased the pain a little. I finished my last lap with a huge sense of accomplishment and a big smile.
Once the race was over, 331's resident comedian, Rody, gave out the medals and awards in his usual awesome fashion, ruthlessly mocking everyone that stood on the podium and skillfully shooting down hecklers with sniper like precision. And that rounded up a great day on the bike with great people. It's good to be back.
Until next time, look after your selves.... And each other.
Find more pictures of the 331 Tuscazoar Twain Reign of Pain on our Facebook Page HERE courtesy of Anton Wyler Thanks for the great pics!
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